September brings a familiar mix of excitement and anxiety for parents: new teachers, new schedules, new friends, new activities and, for many teenagers and young adults, new or evolving relationships. Dating may not be at the top of a parent’s back-to-school checklist, but it is worth paying attention to. Relationships are an important part of growing up, and learning what feels healthy, respectful and safe is part of that process. At the same time, unhealthy relationship patterns can begin early, and they don’t always look the way parents expect.
When we think about dating abuse, we may picture physical violence or a relationship that seems obviously frightening. But abuse often begins with behaviors that can be harder to recognize:
- Excessive jealousy,
- constant texting or checking in,
- monitoring a partner’s location,
- demanding passwords,
- deciding who someone can spend time with,
- pressuring them sexually,
- criticizing what they wear or post,
- or making them feel responsible for their partner’s emotions.
Some of these behaviors can even be mistaken for signs of love or commitment. “They just care about me so much. They’re jealous because they don’t want to lose me.“
Pay attention to changes
Parents know their children. A teenager or college student becoming more private or independent isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. But significant changes in behavior can be worth noticing. Is your child spending less time with friends or family? Do they seem unusually anxious about responding to their partner? Are they constantly checking their phone or worried about making their partner angry? Have they stopped participating in activities they used to enjoy? None of these things, on their own, means someone is experiencing abuse. But they can be opportunities to check in.
It is also important to pay attention to the relationship itself. A partner who wants to control who your child sees, where they go, what they wear or what they share online isn’t simply being protective or caring. Those behaviors can be about control.
Technology can make that control difficult to escape. Location sharing, texting and social media can allow a controlling partner to monitor and contact someone throughout the day and night. For a young person away at college, that can make a relationship feel inescapable even when they are physically far from home.
Talk about healthy relationships—and healthy breakups
We often talk to young people about what a healthy relationship looks like, but we don’t always talk about what a healthy ending looks like.
Relationships end. A healthy breakup can be painful and disappointing, but it should not involve threats, intimidation, harassment, humiliation or pressure to stay. Young people have the right to say no, change their minds and end a relationship they no longer want to be in. They also need to learn to respect someone else’s decision to leave. Persistent unwanted contact, threats, showing up unexpectedly, monitoring, sharing intimate images or using friends to maintain contact are more than someone simply having a hard time with a breakup. They can be warning signs of abuse.
These are conversations parents can have before there is a problem. Talking about respect, boundaries, consent, privacy and healthy communication gives young people a framework for recognizing when something doesn’t feel right.
What if your child is the one behaving inappropriately?
Parents may find themselves on the other side of the conversation. What if your child is the one constantly checking a partner’s phone, demanding to know where they are, becoming angry when they spend time with friends, pressuring them to have sex or refusing to accept a breakup?
It can be difficult to recognize those behaviors in your own child, and even harder to address them. You may be tempted to dismiss them as jealousy, immaturity or typical teenage relationship drama. But controlling behavior isn’t healthy simply because the person doing it is young.
Take it seriously without labeling your child as a bad person. Help them understand the difference between having strong feelings and having the right to control someone else’s choices. Being hurt or jealous is understandable. Controlling someone’s friendships, demanding access to their phone or refusing to respect their decision to leave is not. If the behavior is persistent, escalating or frightening, don’t assume your child will simply grow out of it. A counselor, school professional or domestic violence specialist can help you determine how to respond.
Preventing relationship abuse means helping young people recognize when something isn’t healthy – not only when it happens to them, but when they are the ones causing harm.
If your child tells you something, try not to panic
A parent’s first instinct may be to tell their child to end the relationship, confront the partner or forbid them from seeing the person again. Those reactions are understandable, but they can also make a young person less likely to share what is happening. If your child tells you that their partner is controlling, threatening, humiliating or hurting them, start by listening. Believe them. Try not to blame them or ask why they stayed or didn’t leave sooner. Ask what they need from you and what they are worried might happen.
You don’t have to solve everything in one conversation. Keeping the conversation going may be more important than having the perfect response. If your child knows they can come to you without being judged or immediately told what to do, you’re more likely to remain a source of support if the situation changes.
Sometimes parents need to step in
Supporting a young person’s autonomy doesn’t mean standing back when their safety is at risk.
If a young person is being threatened or physically harmed, experiencing stalking or sexual violence, or is in immediate danger, protecting their safety has to come first. Parents may need to involve other adults or professionals, make changes to living or school arrangements, or seek legal advice, even if their child isn’t initially comfortable with those steps.
The goal isn’t to take control away. It is to help keep them safe while preserving as much choice and independence as possible. There is a difference between taking over and stepping in when someone is in danger. If you’re not sure where that line is, you don’t have to figure it out alone. A school counselor, health care provider, domestic violence advocate or other trained professional can help you think through what you’re seeing and how to respond.
Stay connected
One of the most powerful tools an abusive partner can use is isolation. Staying connected to friends, family and other sources of support can make it easier to recognize what is happening and ask for help.
Parents don’t need to have all the answers to make a difference. Keep inviting your child’s friends over. Ask about their relationships without turning every conversation into an interrogation. Let them know you’re interested in what is happening in their lives, even when they don’t seem particularly interested in talking. And if something doesn’t feel right – whether your child is worried about their own relationship or a friend’s – make sure they know they can come to you.
As parents, our instinct is often to protect our children by fixing the problem. Sometimes that means listening, staying connected and helping them find their own way forward. Sometimes it means stepping in because the situation has become dangerous. Knowing the difference isn’t always easy. What matters is that our children know they can come to us, that we will believe them, and that we will help them find a path toward safety without judgment and without giving up on them.
For more information specifically on teen dating violence, we recommend checking out One Love.